Just for the record...

The good news is that I'm about to officially receive my Master's degree, just about a year after I earned it. Life is pretty good right now otherwise, too, but I figured that I should post the uncensored version of the write-up that I submitted in its entirety so that the thoughts don't go to waste.

If you've been following me, you might think after reading this something like: "Hey, this complainer complained about being dumped in his last post, but he's really the wrong one because he cheated on his girlfriend." To that, let me defend myself in saying that I had only been calling this woman my girlfriend to make myself sound cool -- she actually dumped me two years ago, likely due to the severe acne on my face that magically appeared for the TWO WEEKS that I was in China to visit her. In my defense, though, we were still talking occasionally, and in fact she was the one that suggested I get a job in China about two weeks before I landed the job that I have today, for better or for worse. Further, the fiasco that occurred one year ago was the only play I got in all seven of my pathetic years at Mizzou, not counting a fat chick that I made out with once in drunken pity who then threw up on my bedroom floor, so, naturally, I was wanting it pretty badly.

Anyway, that was probably a little too much information, but now at least it's out there and I feel like I've accomplished something... (Lol I should actually probably be playing Pokémon Ultrasun, but for whatever reason it no longer excites me as it used to... I haven't even bought it yet, wth.)

Also, I'm not nearly as unhappy as this makes me sound XD
Just for the record, you know.


Here is the letter:

As if we weren't already detached enough from eachother (which I’m told is actually two words) following the advent of the internet in the butthurt world of the early 21st century, as of recently, a compliment can be called sexual harassment and, along with vocalizing your opinion, can get you fired from the job that you likely didn’t even want in the first place. In addition, students are both so lazy and so grade-hungry that they’ll ignore the simplest of rules all semester, then try to ruin their TA’s teaching career over a few points (that they probably would have scored regardless) at the end.

I suppose being let go from a mediocre existence is a good thing. In my case, it was.

I learned a lot from my four-or-so hours of brainwashing; among the most interesting things I learned is that the belief in soul mates is an “erroneous belief that spiritual love transcends age.” Gee, NASDTEC Academy, I guess that means my kindergarten students are off-limits, yea? I’m so glad I spent those hours of my life being corrected! Someone really needs to contact the keepers of the Great Firewall of China and tell them to unblock that webpage.

In all seriousness, though, this process has been going on for the greater part of the past year and, as a constant reminder of how sad and lonely I was (actually more so by my parents than the University, who insisted on making sure the notion that I wouldn’t succeed in life without my Master’s degree (because we all know, of course, that money == success) was always in the back of my mind), finally convinced me that the only person I really ever needed or will need is myself. I’d love to say that the training courses made me a better person, but I had enough ‘decency’ to let women walk all over me before I spent those hours watching college students make-out and hating myself. From it all, though, perhaps the most important thing that I have learned is that it’s okay to ignore a text message. In addition to encoding baby-making machinery, the some-94-million more base pairs in the genome of a woman, compared to in that of a man (according to the numbers on Wikipedia), apparently also *often* cause them to be more spiteful, dishonest, and mistrusting – traits which, I’ve realized, while certainly may be helpful in ensuring the safety of their child, are not really attractive to me. That being said, an unnamed woman called Adele, introduced to me in the NASDTEC training, apparently got her life messed up way worse than mine by a male student, so I suppose it goes both ways, and I should remain grateful. In my defense, the student that started this ordeal is less than three years younger than me, while this normally appears to only be an issue with students around eighteen years old or younger. In any case, thanks to my college experience, I think I will continue growing on my own and be okay with it. That is, I will never let a student (or anyone else, for that matter) seduce me again, and you may be happy to hear that, despite the numerous temptations that have tried to grab ahold of me while teaching in China, I have successfully evaded all potential sexual/romantic encounters thus far. Not just with students, but with everyone! Whoot!

Life is quite different on the other side of the world. According to the females that I knew, I was pretty awkward before, and not responding at all when a female student calls me handsome (it actually happens sometimes), as instructed by one of the online workshops, surely isn’t going to change that. I guess “thank you” is okay, though. Believe it or not, having only been teaching in China for about four months, I have already met two middle-school to high-school-aged students who live with one of their teachers. My direct superior has told me more than once that it is okay to meet students outside of class, one of my colleagues recently got engaged to a former student, and both male and female colleagues continue to ask me which of our coworkers is my ‘type’, a question which, thanks to my conditioning, I am still not comfortable answering. Despite being surrounded by these ethical no-no’s, my moral compass isn’t pointing me in the opposite direction. I do, however, understand now that it can be difficult to maintain a normal instructor-student relationship when there is additional interaction outside of the classroom. Given this, I think I will continue to avoid the aforementioned interactions, despite what others may think or tell me. Thanks, college.

Given Mizzou’s status as a journalism school, I only deleted half of what I had already written a couple of weeks ago, and given that I still may not have met the criteria for a personal, professional workplace policy, a bulleted list of the most relevant policies I have resolved for myself if/when I return to the US follows:

·        Respect people*

·        It’s okay to ignore a message*

·        Don’t ever threaten a student’s grade in academia, even jokingly

·        Keep words and eyes to one’s self*

·        Imagine all women as ugly and married

·        Remember that only one’s self can create the feeling of happiness*

·        Giving students or colleagues one’s cellphone number, despite recommendations, is actually a bad idea

·        Don’t talk to colleagues unless it’s about work

·        Don’t talk to students unless it’s about class

·        Don’t ever say anything sexual

·        Don’t talk to women at all

·        If one does need to talk to a colleague, respect them*

·        Acknowledge that everyone is at least a little bit stressed and don’t say things that might upset them*

·        (lol this is not in the least bit funny)

·        Make money

·        Want more money, no matter how much you have already

·        Hate yourself

·        Hate your life

·        Die

·        (Alternate path 1: Remove one’s self from this madness)

·        (Alternate path 2: Stay and try to make a living speaking publicly about how bogus this shit is)

Given this list of things, I’m not sure I do want to return to the US to work. Luckily, the list may be slightly more relaxed in most other countries – even China. Yes, that China. For example, social media apps are so intertwined with everyday life that middle- and high-school teachers commonly send their students assignments via said apps here, so, naturally, the smartphone contact info might be crossed out, but the okayness of ignoring messages would then probably be set in boldface. Then again, we wouldn’t want to make anyone too upset… Items in the list marked with an asterisk are * applicable everywhere in the world.

I hope people stop being so butthurt in the USA someday. I also hope that someday I’ll learn to take things like this a little bit more seriously, but, then again, hopefully I won’t need to.

Thank you for your time and for letting me graduate,

[Name omitted for (lolwth reason idk)]

Keep in mind that I didn't submit this in its entirety.

But, anyway, there you have it. I've been having a lot of other cool thoughts lately, but I've already posted most of them, in some form or another, on social media.

Thanks for getting to the end (I think). Later.